Why We Crave External Validation - And How to Let It Go

Seeking approval is natural, but when it defines our worth, we lose ourselves.

Learn why external validation feels so addictive and how to shift toward self-trust, authenticity, and inner security.

At some point, we’ve all craved external validation. That little rush of joy when someone praises our work. The deep sigh of relief when we feel accepted. The quiet reassurance of being liked, wanted, or chosen.

And honestly? That’s okay! We’re wired for connection. We all want to feel seen. I know I’ve spent plenty of time chasing that feeling. attaching my worth to the next promotion, the next compliment, the next signal that I was "good enough." And for a while, it worked. But it was exhausting. Because no matter how much validation I got, it never quite felt like enough.

So if you’ve ever felt like you’re on that treadmill too, I want you to know: you are not alone. And more importantly, you don’t have to stay stuck there.

Let’s talk about why we seek external validation - and how we can begin to let go of it in a way that feels kind, supportive, and freeing.

Why We Seek External Validation

We’re Wired for Belonging

Our brains are built for connection. Back in the earliest days of human history, being part of a group wasn’t just nice, it was necessary for survival. Belonging meant safety. Rejection could mean danger. Even now, that old wiring still runs deep. When we feel approved of, our nervous system relaxes. When we feel excluded, it can trigger stress and self-doubt. It activates the same part of our brain as physical pain.

We Were Taught to Please Others

Think back to childhood. Chances are, you learned pretty early that being good - following the rules, getting good grades, being agreeable - led to praise and approval. That early conditioning sticks. Over time, it can make us feel like our worth is something we have to earn from others.

And that doesn’t stop in adulthood:

• At work, we chase promotions and recognition.

• In relationships, we shape ourselves into who we think we need to be to be loved.

• On social media, we post things we hope will get likes, seeking proof that we matter.

But the problem with that is if our sense of worth depends on how others respond to us, we’re always at their mercy. And that can feel really fragile.

We Mistake Approval for Security

Seeking validation can feel like a way to create stability. If people like us, if they approve of our choices, then we feel safe. But it’s a tricky illusion - because no amount of approval can give us the deep, lasting security that comes from within.

The Problem With Chasing External Validation

It Creates Anxiety and Overthinking

If you’ve ever rewritten a message five times before hitting send, or replayed a conversation in your head, wondering if you sounded okay, you know this feeling. When we’re hyper-focused on how others see us, we become caught in a cycle of overthinking. It’s exhausting.

It Can Lead to People-Pleasing

When we rely on external approval, we can start to mold ourselves to fit what we think others want. We say yes when we mean no. We hold back our real opinions. We avoid taking risks. Over time, this erodes our ability to trust ourselves.

It’s a Never-Ending Cycle

The biggest issue with external validation? It’s never enough. A compliment feels great, for a minute. A job title is exciting, until we start eyeing the next one. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

Real self-worth doesn’t come from external approval. It comes from something much deeper.

The Healthier Alternative: Internal Validation

Recognizing the Pattern

First, just notice it. Start paying attention to when you’re seeking external validation. No judgement, just gentle awareness. The more we notice, the more we can begin to shift.

Ask Different Questions

Instead of asking: Do they like me? Ask: Do I like them?

Instead of asking: Am I impressing them? Ask: Does this feel good to me?

Small shifts in perspective can make a huge difference.

Create Your Own Internal Scorecard

If your sense of worth has been wrapped up in external achievements or praise, try creating an internal scorecard instead.

Ask yourself:

• What actually makes me feel proud of myself?

• What do I value in myself, no matter what anyone else thinks?

• If no one could see my choices, what would still feel meaningful to me?

The more we define our own worth, the less we need it from others.

Build Self-Trust in Small Ways

Self-trust isn’t built overnight. It grows in tiny, everyday choices:

• Saying no when you mean no.

• Setting boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable.

• Making choices that align with your values, instead of what will "look good."

Every time you act in alignment with yourself, you strengthen your internal foundation.

Reframe Rejection as Redirection

One of the hardest parts of letting go of external validation is learning to sit with rejection. But what if rejection isn’t proof that you’re not good enough, but instead, a gentle nudge toward something better?

Instead of thinking: They didn’t choose me, so I must not be enough.
Try: This just wasn’t for me—and that’s okay.

Final Thought: You Are Already Enough

Seeking external validation is human. We all want to feel seen, valued, and loved. But real self-worth doesn’t come from being chosen. it comes from choosing ourselves.

You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to earn your worth. You are already enough. just as you are.